[warning: may contain inappropriate words due to excessive hidden problems and yes this is mostly about me spilling out my problems and i know i shouldn't write about these but i endured these freakin problems for a long time and i dont have anyone to tell so pls if u're someone who loves to judge pls guide your mouse to the [x] button immediately bye i dont need you]
Assalamualaikum.
Before I start this I spent my nearly 1 hour crying over my problems yes I'm being honest right now. Wow, rasa mcm kena tikam. Ok no, idk how to express my {whole feelings} with words. I really dont know how. And the stupid thing is I started my first entry in 2014 with these craps. But then, aku tetap mau luah segala galanya di sini. Aku rasa the title dah bgi hint sikit. And yes I really mean it when I mentioned earlier, org org yg suka judge straightaway pls go away.
Lepas 5 tahun aku tinggal asrama I can see how those memories change me a little bit. It has been a very hard 5 years esp last year. Yes, tahun lepas mmg sangat-2 susah untuk aku. The year yang paling banyak buat aku nangis+marah+emotional and everything. 2013 is a haunted year for me as I faked almost all of my happiness. Hipokrit? Well you can say that. Kenapa aku buat mcmtu? Sbb I felt like I have to be strong for others, I have to be strong supaya org tak berani sakitkan hati aku. But then wrong way juga, sbb aku nampak ok mcmtu a few ppl took advantage. But then I couldn't say anything sbb aku takut apa yg aku cakap akan sakitkan hati banyak pihak, in the end I have to suffer rasa bersalah tu sorang sorang. Unfair kan? Yes untuk aku its unfair. Im sorry but sometimes the environment yang buat aku seorang yang suka memendam. A lot of my friends encouraged me to spill out my probs, open myself a little bit but everytime I want to do that, perasaan takut untuk sakitkan hati org lain halang aku untuk buat mcmtu. Funny thing is I let ppl to be honest and hide my true feelings walaupun aku sakit hati. Omg aku rasa aku dah buat org pening dgn ayat aku skg.
Kenapa aku cakap 2013 is the toughest year for me? Sbb I felt like segala yang pernah aku cakap dan kritik, semua kembali dekat aku. Yes definitely. Sbb tu aku berusaha gila nak mati untuk buang the part of me yang suka judge orang. I really think all of my probs last year adalah balasan Allah dekat aku. First, I lost someone who I really love for the past 4 years and plus, and stupid thing is I still love that person until now. [continuously curse myself in 100 different languages] Despite being mad and put all the blame on him and that senior aku mengaku most of it is my fault. Mungkin sbb I am trying so hard to be perfect sampai sometimes aku tak jadi diri sendiri, tak appreciate betul betul apa yg orang pernah buat untuk aku, ignorant and so on sampai bagi peluang utk org lain untuk jatuhkan diri aku. [slow claps for myself] /whispers padan muka untuk diri sendiri/ And ajar aku on how ONE SIMPLE MISTAKE boleh influence ppl's impressions towards me. But thankfully aku dah okay dengan that person and his friends (i think so heh) and aku harap that senior boleh la lupakan aku and stop saying things pasal aku like im some kind of ugutan untuk dia. Sighs. I hope that whatever happens and you suddenly remember me, I hope these words popped out in ur mind too.
Second, that moment where I have to choose between my father and a teacher whom I really respect. Aku tau apa yang ayah aku buat mungkin betul, but at the same time and I felt really stupid and dumb and everything, sebab aku, that teacher had to endure so much negative comments. And yeah ofcourse, ppl terus tengok aku sbg seorang yg suka repot everything to my parents (when obviously I am not ohmygod) but aku convinced myself aku patut terima segala assumptions yg orang buat sbb if I were them, aku rasa aku pun akan cakap benda yg sama. Time ni la aku baru tau langit tinggi ka rendah. Aku selalu marah junior2 sbb repot dekat parents sampai kami the seniors ni kena terima padahnya (well some of them were giving me mini heart attacks bcs of their senseless stories) but maybe some of them were just trying to tell what they felt and their parents maybe being protective towards their children sampai ambil unexpected actions. Ok, cuba fikir balik. Kalau kita boleh assume sebab yg negative, why not kita assume yang positif juga?
Third, the day when my grandmother left the world forever. She was badly sick but unfortunately I was not in a ready state when I received the news. The most heartbreaking part was to see my mother endured so much pain and her endless tears. She taught me how to take care of a mother a lot. Aku rasa aku dpt tanggungjawab yg besar bila mama aku cakap "if mama atau auntie-2 kau sakit and have to be in the hospital, promise me that you will take care of us like how we did to ur grandmother." Sejak hari opah aku meninggal, my mum bought a lot of books about deaths, prayers for org yg dah pergi, and kept on talking about deaths sampai sekarang. Mum always said to me "nara, kalau mama dah pergi nanti, you know what to do right?" She always tell me what to do when the time comes. And each time aku dengar tu I felt so.. sad. Hanya Allah yang tahu. She always said to me yg if anything goes wrong, bila dia rasa sedih and everything, she will tell me first. A few hours ago she told me the same thing again. She will always tell me first if anything happens. And then baru aku sedar, kenapa mama halang aku pergi asrama dulu. Kenapa masa aku cakap aku mau keluar dari asrama, mama setuju but my father won't let me. Kenapa setiap kali aku dengan mama, she will tell a lot of stories. Oh god I felt like crying right now.
During my parents wedding anniversary, my dad post a picture of them during their wedding at his facebook. And then some ppl pergi comment benda bukan2 such as "eh macam mau cari yang baru je? hehe" and so on pasal tu just bcs ayah aku buat pose mcm "peace" dekat gambar tu. What-the-hell. (I'm sorry Im so mad right now) Mum said to me yang dia sedih sangat-2 sbb ramai org ckp mcmtu mcm cakap ayah aku ada scandal. Sebab tu la dia selalu marah tak tentu pasal. And mum continued "kalau ada apa2 jadi between mama and ayah, you're the one I'm going to tell first. Sebab kau dah besar." I swear aku rasa macam mau tampar orang orang yang cakap macamtu. Sorry but the hell kamu sedar atau tidak that your words really made my mum and dad gone through a hard time?! My mum is a human, she trust my dad but what the hell siapa yang tak sakit hati if org ckp mcmtu? I held my tears so hard. I felt sorry for my mum, for my dad.
After spm, aku baru tau how things are going on in the house when I was in hostel. Miserable. Aku bukan cakap my siblings are useless but yeah, not like what I expected. Maybe bcs the world nowadays are all about gadgets, social networks they were all influenced by them sampai lupa pasal study and other things. And thats why aku rasa setiap kali aku balik dari asrama for three days or school holidays, my mum always marah aku. Its bcs she endured everything for a long time. Unfortunately, setiap kali mama aku marah or bagi nasihat, my other siblings akan masuk bilik and tutup pintu. In the end, aku yang akan dengar sampai habis walaupun kadang2 nasihat tu bukan untuk aku. At first aku rasa unfair but then makin lama I volunteered myself untuk dgr segala nasihat mama eventhough it will hurt me deep inside. Tell me, siapa tak sakit hati kalau kau tengah cakap and org tak nak dengar? Baru baru ni mama aku dapat tahu result adik aku was not good (before this she was excellent) and my lil bro got 5As only for his PMR. Mama selalu cakap dekat kami that if kami dpt result teruk walaupun kami dah berusaha gila nak mati and non stop praying, its ok. She wont mad at us. But unfortunately lagi, both of my bro and sis got bad results bcs dorang banyak main. Sangat banyak main. My mum cried yesterday. She told me yang dia kecewa. Sangat kecewa. She tried to hide everything but it was painful. She told me that she was having a very hard time after my grandmother passed away, but she couldn't share her sadness with her own family. It seemed like her own family mcm having a good time. Like, hell aku rasa mcm I want to beat up myself sampai nyawa nyawa ikan bcs I couldn't be there by her side during her hard times. Sh-- I'm so mad with myself right now. Setiap kali aku call mama masa aku di asrama, aku harap sangat2 my siblings di rumah boleh jaga dia betul-2. For me she's the strongest woman ever. But at the same time, she seemed so fragile. Everytime aku di asrama, and I got bad results, I cried sbb aku rasa mcm useless. Yes I know mungkin result aku tidak penting sgt utk parents aku but deep inside I know theyre hoping the best for me. Lepas aku nampak how dissapointed my mum, aku betul-2 harap result SPM aku nanti ok. Ameen. Its like the only hope to make my parents esp mum smile again..
Sometimes, I felt like I want to strangle my siblings (mcm mafia dah aku rasa aku ni ;~;) They were soooooo ignorant ya Allah. Ok maybe they care in silence but then.. Ok idk how to say. Mungkin dorang ikut perangai aku dulu. Yang derhaka mcm nak mampus. Ya Allah, pls help me to change myself and my siblings to a better person. Aku tak suka tengok adik adik aku kena marah sbb tu I tried my best untuk cover dorang and end up aku yg kena marah. I'm hoping that they appreciate even a little bit for what I have done but once again.. I worked for nothing. They made me feel like that. Srsly, dont be suprise if one day I have no soul. Tiada perasaan towards anything. I have to do everything I can to make my parents happy but at the same time I am trying my very best to change adik adik aku, everyday I have to listen my mum saying about deaths, everyday I have to hold my tears so that aku boleh jadi kuat like my mum, everyday I have to find a hidden place to hide my tears, everyday I have to keep my problems aside. Aku masih nda sangka aku spill out everything sini, menaip segalanya galanya with my tears falling nonstop. Masih terkejut sebab aku menangis, crying all my heart out infront of my lil sister, saying everything I kept inside my heart a few hours ago. Hari pertama dalam 2014 aku menangis.
Anywhere we go, everything we do, ingat. We bring our parents together. Nowadays, manusia suka judge. They won't do a research, they won't even find the real reason kenapa kita buat something, they just simply trust what they hear and see first, whether it's true or not. We live in a world where that thing happened all the time, everyday. My mum's words are all true. Kata-kata dia selalu buat aku sentap. Sebab tu aku nak tanya. To my friends, am I a friend that influenced your life in a good way? Sebab mama cakap dgn aku tadi, jangan sampai aku jadi kawan yang influenced kawan kawan lain in a bad way. Because if I do, I resembled my mum and my father. She didnt say that simply bcs she thought it was true, but bcs the unstoppable judgements and assumptions that the society loves to do. To everyone, please tell me if aku bawa kamu ke arah benda benda yang salah. Please. I dont want to be a friend yang merosakkan kawan kawan dia. And if I do, I am deeply sorry.
I personally respect those who lost their mothers in such a young age, you guys are very strong. Especially a bestfriend of mine, Mursyidah. I looked up to you a lot.
p/s: Im sorry for my words kalau ada mana mana part yang menyakitkan hati mana mana pihak. (I think there is ngeh)
the perks of being the first child and a secretive person
[warning: may contain inappropriate words due to excessive hidden problems and yes this is mostly about me spilling out my problems and i know i shouldn't write about these but i endured these freakin problems for a long time and i dont have anyone to tell so pls if u're someone who loves to judge pls guide your mouse to the [x] button immediately bye i dont need you]
Assalamualaikum.
Before I start this I spent my nearly 1 hour crying over my problems yes I'm being honest right now. Wow, rasa mcm kena tikam. Ok no, idk how to express my {whole feelings} with words. I really dont know how. And the stupid thing is I started my first entry in 2014 with these craps. But then, aku tetap mau luah segala galanya di sini. Aku rasa the title dah bgi hint sikit. And yes I really mean it when I mentioned earlier, org org yg suka judge straightaway pls go away.
Lepas 5 tahun aku tinggal asrama I can see how those memories change me a little bit. It has been a very hard 5 years esp last year. Yes, tahun lepas mmg sangat-2 susah untuk aku. The year yang paling banyak buat aku nangis+marah+emotional and everything. 2013 is a haunted year for me as I faked almost all of my happiness. Hipokrit? Well you can say that. Kenapa aku buat mcmtu? Sbb I felt like I have to be strong for others, I have to be strong supaya org tak berani sakitkan hati aku. But then wrong way juga, sbb aku nampak ok mcmtu a few ppl took advantage. But then I couldn't say anything sbb aku takut apa yg aku cakap akan sakitkan hati banyak pihak, in the end I have to suffer rasa bersalah tu sorang sorang. Unfair kan? Yes untuk aku its unfair. Im sorry but sometimes the environment yang buat aku seorang yang suka memendam. A lot of my friends encouraged me to spill out my probs, open myself a little bit but everytime I want to do that, perasaan takut untuk sakitkan hati org lain halang aku untuk buat mcmtu. Funny thing is I let ppl to be honest and hide my true feelings walaupun aku sakit hati. Omg aku rasa aku dah buat org pening dgn ayat aku skg.
Kenapa aku cakap 2013 is the toughest year for me? Sbb I felt like segala yang pernah aku cakap dan kritik, semua kembali dekat aku. Yes definitely. Sbb tu aku berusaha gila nak mati untuk buang the part of me yang suka judge orang. I really think all of my probs last year adalah balasan Allah dekat aku. First, I lost someone who I really love for the past 4 years and plus, and stupid thing is I still love that person until now. [continuously curse myself in 100 different languages] Despite being mad and put all the blame on him and that senior aku mengaku most of it is my fault. Mungkin sbb I am trying so hard to be perfect sampai sometimes aku tak jadi diri sendiri, tak appreciate betul betul apa yg orang pernah buat untuk aku, ignorant and so on sampai bagi peluang utk org lain untuk jatuhkan diri aku. [slow claps for myself] /whispers padan muka untuk diri sendiri/ And ajar aku on how ONE SIMPLE MISTAKE boleh influence ppl's impressions towards me. But thankfully aku dah okay dengan that person and his friends (i think so heh) and aku harap that senior boleh la lupakan aku and stop saying things pasal aku like im some kind of ugutan untuk dia. Sighs. I hope that whatever happens and you suddenly remember me, I hope these words popped out in ur mind too.
Second, that moment where I have to choose between my father and a teacher whom I really respect. Aku tau apa yang ayah aku buat mungkin betul, but at the same time and I felt really stupid and dumb and everything, sebab aku, that teacher had to endure so much negative comments. And yeah ofcourse, ppl terus tengok aku sbg seorang yg suka repot everything to my parents (when obviously I am not ohmygod) but aku convinced myself aku patut terima segala assumptions yg orang buat sbb if I were them, aku rasa aku pun akan cakap benda yg sama. Time ni la aku baru tau langit tinggi ka rendah. Aku selalu marah junior2 sbb repot dekat parents sampai kami the seniors ni kena terima padahnya (well some of them were giving me mini heart attacks bcs of their senseless stories) but maybe some of them were just trying to tell what they felt and their parents maybe being protective towards their children sampai ambil unexpected actions. Ok, cuba fikir balik. Kalau kita boleh assume sebab yg negative, why not kita assume yang positif juga?
Third, the day when my grandmother left the world forever. She was badly sick but unfortunately I was not in a ready state when I received the news. The most heartbreaking part was to see my mother endured so much pain and her endless tears. She taught me how to take care of a mother a lot. Aku rasa aku dpt tanggungjawab yg besar bila mama aku cakap "if mama atau auntie-2 kau sakit and have to be in the hospital, promise me that you will take care of us like how we did to ur grandmother." Sejak hari opah aku meninggal, my mum bought a lot of books about deaths, prayers for org yg dah pergi, and kept on talking about deaths sampai sekarang. Mum always said to me "nara, kalau mama dah pergi nanti, you know what to do right?" She always tell me what to do when the time comes. And each time aku dengar tu I felt so.. sad. Hanya Allah yang tahu. She always said to me yg if anything goes wrong, bila dia rasa sedih and everything, she will tell me first. A few hours ago she told me the same thing again. She will always tell me first if anything happens. And then baru aku sedar, kenapa mama halang aku pergi asrama dulu. Kenapa masa aku cakap aku mau keluar dari asrama, mama setuju but my father won't let me. Kenapa setiap kali aku dengan mama, she will tell a lot of stories. Oh god I felt like crying right now.
During my parents wedding anniversary, my dad post a picture of them during their wedding at his facebook. And then some ppl pergi comment benda bukan2 such as "eh macam mau cari yang baru je? hehe" and so on pasal tu just bcs ayah aku buat pose mcm "peace" dekat gambar tu. What-the-hell. (I'm sorry Im so mad right now) Mum said to me yang dia sedih sangat-2 sbb ramai org ckp mcmtu mcm cakap ayah aku ada scandal. Sebab tu la dia selalu marah tak tentu pasal. And mum continued "kalau ada apa2 jadi between mama and ayah, you're the one I'm going to tell first. Sebab kau dah besar." I swear aku rasa macam mau tampar orang orang yang cakap macamtu. Sorry but the hell kamu sedar atau tidak that your words really made my mum and dad gone through a hard time?! My mum is a human, she trust my dad but what the hell siapa yang tak sakit hati if org ckp mcmtu? I held my tears so hard. I felt sorry for my mum, for my dad.
After spm, aku baru tau how things are going on in the house when I was in hostel. Miserable. Aku bukan cakap my siblings are useless but yeah, not like what I expected. Maybe bcs the world nowadays are all about gadgets, social networks they were all influenced by them sampai lupa pasal study and other things. And thats why aku rasa setiap kali aku balik dari asrama for three days or school holidays, my mum always marah aku. Its bcs she endured everything for a long time. Unfortunately, setiap kali mama aku marah or bagi nasihat, my other siblings akan masuk bilik and tutup pintu. In the end, aku yang akan dengar sampai habis walaupun kadang2 nasihat tu bukan untuk aku. At first aku rasa unfair but then makin lama I volunteered myself untuk dgr segala nasihat mama eventhough it will hurt me deep inside. Tell me, siapa tak sakit hati kalau kau tengah cakap and org tak nak dengar? Baru baru ni mama aku dapat tahu result adik aku was not good (before this she was excellent) and my lil bro got 5As only for his PMR. Mama selalu cakap dekat kami that if kami dpt result teruk walaupun kami dah berusaha gila nak mati and non stop praying, its ok. She wont mad at us. But unfortunately lagi, both of my bro and sis got bad results bcs dorang banyak main. Sangat banyak main. My mum cried yesterday. She told me yang dia kecewa. Sangat kecewa. She tried to hide everything but it was painful. She told me that she was having a very hard time after my grandmother passed away, but she couldn't share her sadness with her own family. It seemed like her own family mcm having a good time. Like, hell aku rasa mcm I want to beat up myself sampai nyawa nyawa ikan bcs I couldn't be there by her side during her hard times. Sh-- I'm so mad with myself right now. Setiap kali aku call mama masa aku di asrama, aku harap sangat2 my siblings di rumah boleh jaga dia betul-2. For me she's the strongest woman ever. But at the same time, she seemed so fragile. Everytime aku di asrama, and I got bad results, I cried sbb aku rasa mcm useless. Yes I know mungkin result aku tidak penting sgt utk parents aku but deep inside I know theyre hoping the best for me. Lepas aku nampak how dissapointed my mum, aku betul-2 harap result SPM aku nanti ok. Ameen. Its like the only hope to make my parents esp mum smile again..
Sometimes, I felt like I want to strangle my siblings (mcm mafia dah aku rasa aku ni ;~;) They were soooooo ignorant ya Allah. Ok maybe they care in silence but then.. Ok idk how to say. Mungkin dorang ikut perangai aku dulu. Yang derhaka mcm nak mampus. Ya Allah, pls help me to change myself and my siblings to a better person. Aku tak suka tengok adik adik aku kena marah sbb tu I tried my best untuk cover dorang and end up aku yg kena marah. I'm hoping that they appreciate even a little bit for what I have done but once again.. I worked for nothing. They made me feel like that. Srsly, dont be suprise if one day I have no soul. Tiada perasaan towards anything. I have to do everything I can to make my parents happy but at the same time I am trying my very best to change adik adik aku, everyday I have to listen my mum saying about deaths, everyday I have to hold my tears so that aku boleh jadi kuat like my mum, everyday I have to find a hidden place to hide my tears, everyday I have to keep my problems aside. Aku masih nda sangka aku spill out everything sini, menaip segalanya galanya with my tears falling nonstop. Masih terkejut sebab aku menangis, crying all my heart out infront of my lil sister, saying everything I kept inside my heart a few hours ago. Hari pertama dalam 2014 aku menangis.
Anywhere we go, everything we do, ingat. We bring our parents together. Nowadays, manusia suka judge. They won't do a research, they won't even find the real reason kenapa kita buat something, they just simply trust what they hear and see first, whether it's true or not. We live in a world where that thing happened all the time, everyday. My mum's words are all true. Kata-kata dia selalu buat aku sentap. Sebab tu aku nak tanya. To my friends, am I a friend that influenced your life in a good way? Sebab mama cakap dgn aku tadi, jangan sampai aku jadi kawan yang influenced kawan kawan lain in a bad way. Because if I do, I resembled my mum and my father. She didnt say that simply bcs she thought it was true, but bcs the unstoppable judgements and assumptions that the society loves to do. To everyone, please tell me if aku bawa kamu ke arah benda benda yang salah. Please. I dont want to be a friend yang merosakkan kawan kawan dia. And if I do, I am deeply sorry.
I personally respect those who lost their mothers in such a young age, you guys are very strong. Especially a bestfriend of mine, Mursyidah. I looked up to you a lot.
p/s: Im sorry for my words kalau ada mana mana part yang menyakitkan hati mana mana pihak. (I think there is ngeh)
PROFILE
A girl with a lot of flaws. She went to the wrong ways too often and when she saw the light at the end of the road, she tried hard to reach it but on her way she fell, she tripped and the light dimmed. She nearly gave up but she didn't. She then realized that if she never went through those ups and downs she will never appreciate life as she is now.
